Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance: an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously

We will wait as long as it takes to grow our family through adoption. Yet, sometimes, I wonder how I can wait another minute.

I appreciate that other couples are waiting too; we are not alone. Then a new friend who is also waiting gets "the call." Alone again.

I love my life. We are so blessed. Yet have such a desire for our family to grow. Such love to give. Longing beyond words.

I experience deep joy when I find out other waiting friends have been chosen by a birth mother. I wonder why it wasn't us?

I trust; I feel it in my bones that we will have more children. Then I fear that no birth mother/father will ever choose us.

I trust. I fear.

I don't obsessively check my phone every thirty seconds for "the call." Then I realize I'm disappointed because the call was just from someone wanting to rent one of our apartments.

I embrace this waiting. I live in the moment. I enjoy the sound of the birds, my work schedule, pushing Malia on a swing, watching Kevin plant new seedlings in the garden. Then I feel chest crushing, soul numbing pain, worry and fear.

I smell the lilacs, experience pure joy in blossoming spring. I remember that last year at this time a young life was growing inside me. One that we lost much, much too early.

I longingly anticipate going to the cottage on lake Huron in June. Then I remember last year, while there, we were overjoyed to discover that we were pregnant.

What do we have yet to do but wait?

So, we wait...

What are you waiting for?

We're So "Out There"

Big milestones today:

1. I dropped off 26 copies of our printed profiles, complete with ONLY 982 words and SIX pictures each, to be delivered to the four Adoption Associates offices across Michigan. And we're praying a mother chooses to place her child in our family with ONLY THAT information. Woah.

2. I posted my blog to Twitter via my account @deannarolffs. As my dear friend Amy said: Now it's out there, in "the cloud." And I tweeted: "if only 2500 people give $10" we'll make our goal. Optimistic? Yes, indeed.

I feel excited. At peace. Tired. And kinda exposed. Other adoptive parents tell me that's normal. Phew.

Welcome to Kevin and Deanna’s Adoption Journey

Kevin and I are thankful for a gracious, loving, supportive, community in which to raise children. We are still amazed at the generous support of family, friends, coworkers and church members when we had Malia.

We have made the commitment to grow our family through domestic adoption because there are many children here in the U.S. that need loving homes. Adoption has been on our minds for a long time, even before experiencing multiple miscarriages. We cannot wait to welcome another child (or children) into our family! We have completed our home study for domestic, open adoption and are now waiting for a birth mother to make an adoption plan for her child(ren) with our family. Of course, we will respect completely the level of openness desired by the birth/first mother (and possibly birth father) that chooses our family for her child. I invite you to peruse my previous post describing the amazing organizations with which we are working.

Every step of this adoption has a cost. Adoption costs will likely be over $30,000 and are primarily required upfront. We hope not to borrow the entire amount.
To show what we’re facing financially, below is list of the estimated costs for this adoption. (Figures from Adoption Associates International.)
Application and Home Study: $5,375
Placement Services: $15,810 to $25,810
The total will likely be between $21,185 and $31,185.

Adoption is such a huge, life-altering journey. There is no way we can do it alone and there is no way we want to do it alone. We ask that you will be a part of our story by continually keeping us in your prayers. Pray for wisdom, guidance, and foremost, patience. Pray that God will provide for all things, in His perfect timing.

We also implore you to move to action. If you feel led and if you are able, you can also be a part of the story by investing your finances to help us. Any amount you can help with is much appreciated, whether it is $5 or $500.

If you wish to pay online, please use the PayPal button below. You may also choose to securely donate from your bank account or credit card.

If you wish to send a check or money order, that works too! Please contact us for our mailing address at deannaandkevin@gmail.com . If you send a check, please memo it “Adoption Fund.”

YOU can be a part of this story. Thank you for your help. We appreciate your prayers and support!

Sincerely,
Kevin and Deanna

What We're Reading

Here are a few of the books Kevin and I are currently reading:

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories
by Rita J. Simon (Author), Rhonda M. Roorda (Author)
"This book is the story of every person who has lived in an environment in which he or she didn't quite fit.... Yet, while the stories in the book are universal, they are also deeply personal and incredibly touching. You cannot read this book without being changed." -- Lifelines

Dear Birthmother
by Kathleen Silber (Author), Phyllis Speedlin (Author)
Gently provocative, warm and convincing, this open adoption guide includes actual letters between adoptive parents and birthparents, and between the latter and the children they have.

I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World: A Guide for Parents and Teachers
by Marguerite A. Wright (Author)
"This book is useful for all parents who want their children to grow up with healthy attitudes in a world that uses race to separate human beings. . . . A worthwhile read." — Educational Leadership

With wisdom and compassion, I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla spells out how to educate black and biracial children about race, while preserving their innate resilience and optimism--the birthright of all children.

Launching a Baby's Adoption: Practical Strategies for Parents and Professionals
by Patricia Irwin Johnston (Author)
Launching A Baby's Adoption incorporates anecdotal material solicited from adoptive parents and professionals throughout North America. Launching a Baby's Adoption fills the need of single and coupled parents seeking to adopt for information that can assist them in practical ways to bring a baby into their families and into their lives. Launching A Baby's Adoption is a valuable addition to the parenting collections of community libraries and is "must" reading for anyone seeking adoption as a means to enhancing their family life. -- Midwest Book Review

I find that the concept of open adoption is new to some people, as may be the term transracial adoption.

I love this link on Positive Adoption Language from Adoptive Families, my new, favorite webiste and magazine.

Here are some examples of Positive Adoption Language:

Fundraising? Us?

We are considering starting an adoption fundraising page. Unfortunately, adoption fees may be up to $32,000, and we hope to not borrow that entire amount.

We are NOT sales people. Nor are we marketing-inclined folks. The thought of doing door-to-door knife sales has always paralyzed me with fear.

Reasons TO fundraise online:
1. Our family and friends are spread across the globe. Maybe they can't be here, but they want to help in some way.
2. No one HAS to donate. It's simply an option.
3. We are blessed to be a part of many, generous, adoption-supporting communities of people that want to help.
4. What about interactive fundraisers? Yes, we'd like to do those too, but having Welcome to the Family parties in Grand Rapids, Ontario and Iowa, once the baby has joined our family, sounds more fun.
4. The funds are required BEFORE you bring the baby home. Yowza!
5. Adding up to $32,000 debt is A LOT of moolah!

Reasons NOT to fundraise online:
1. People might wonder why we can't afford it ourselves. (OK, who cares about the haters?)
2. Pride. (Not a valid reason. Pride=evil. :))
3. It could be taken to be very tacky. (Do you think?)
4. I don't know how to create a site with a PayPal donation link. (But I sure could figure it out!) :)

So, what do you think...

What's Up?

Adoption. WOW! Many friends and family are asking how things are going in our journey to grow our family. I have so much going through my mind; I'm breaking down and starting a blog.

We are blessed to be working with two agencies:

Greater Hopes Family Services and Adoption Associates International (AAI).

Our home study is active with Greater Hopes and we simply adore Cathy Raidna and the amazing, compassionate, open adoption organization that she has created. Our online profile is posted at Greater Hopes' site.

We are also working with Adoption Associates (AAI) , who facilitated more than 70 domestic, infant, semi-open or open adoptions in 2010. By early May our profiles should be completed for AAI and available for birth/first mothers to view.

We're praying for God to grow our family when and how he chooses!

Things People Say #1

Kevin and I are waiting for a mom to choose our family to make an adoption plan for her child. We have chosen open, domestic adoption.

We're reading, A TON, on adoption, transracial adoption, birthmothers, open adoption, and more. I love learning. I love how eye-opening, mind-blowing and transforming this is.

This last week, an otherwise educated coworker asked me: "Open adoption? What if she's a crack whore?"

My response: [Insert significant indignation here.] "The agencies we're working with have noticed that not a lot of crack whores are making birth plans for their children."

WTF?

And if a person with an addiction did choose to make a birth plan for his/her child, why would that be horrific?

Why do some people pigeonhole and villify birthmothers?

All I can say is: Please ask questions; I love to talk about this. But watch out. This may be the mother of our baby you're talking about!