Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance: an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously

We will wait as long as it takes to grow our family through adoption. Yet, sometimes, I wonder how I can wait another minute.

I appreciate that other couples are waiting too; we are not alone. Then a new friend who is also waiting gets "the call." Alone again.

I love my life. We are so blessed. Yet have such a desire for our family to grow. Such love to give. Longing beyond words.

I experience deep joy when I find out other waiting friends have been chosen by a birth mother. I wonder why it wasn't us?

I trust; I feel it in my bones that we will have more children. Then I fear that no birth mother/father will ever choose us.

I trust. I fear.

I don't obsessively check my phone every thirty seconds for "the call." Then I realize I'm disappointed because the call was just from someone wanting to rent one of our apartments.

I embrace this waiting. I live in the moment. I enjoy the sound of the birds, my work schedule, pushing Malia on a swing, watching Kevin plant new seedlings in the garden. Then I feel chest crushing, soul numbing pain, worry and fear.

I smell the lilacs, experience pure joy in blossoming spring. I remember that last year at this time a young life was growing inside me. One that we lost much, much too early.

I longingly anticipate going to the cottage on lake Huron in June. Then I remember last year, while there, we were overjoyed to discover that we were pregnant.

What do we have yet to do but wait?

So, we wait...

What are you waiting for?