People are "Anti-Adoption" you say? Yes, indeed. I've begun to follow some Anti-Adoption Advocates on Twitter and Facebook.
Some anti-adoption advocates call adoptive parents vultures, preying on innocent birthmothers. Although, they say, vultures at least are loyal and caring. We adoptive parents, they say, are more alike to hyenas.
Some say that we are white oppressors buying black children. They say that this is a socio-econominc issue; wealthy people are exploiting the economic vulnerability of birth parents.@TransracialEyes tweets things like this: @wcfmag @bcadopt We're not frickin' dogs in a pound. Have a little bit more empathy, could you please? #AdoptionHyenas
I recently tweeted that we had our first visit with M's biological family and that relinquishment sucks. (I was, for the record, referring to how difficult this is for biological family.) This is what he said to me: @deanna_rolffs Sucks for you or for the real mother? Give the child back and help the mother with her needs if you are so upset.
Ouch.
(Yeah, lots of assumptions there. And major misunderstanding of my tweet.)
He asked me why we adoptive parents "exalt" ourselves so: @deanna_rolffs The ? remains: Why broadcast something so private and (as you say) so painful? Why do APs exalt themselves so?
Really great question, @TransracialEyes. Really great question.
At first, I get defensive. I want to explain that Nichole, Mica's birth mother, chose us. That she said to us last month "it doesn't make a good story, for anyone else, that we are happy with this situation."
No one forced her to make this decision. (Right?) We aren't adoption hyenas. (Are we?) They don't know us. They don't know how much we love Mica! They don't know how much we worry for him, desire for him all that is wonderful, and have the highest hopes in the world for him. Believe me, I know that I'll never replace his biological mother (nor would I want to; I love her!); but I am his mother nonetheless.
No one forced her to make this decision. (Right?) We aren't adoption hyenas. (Are we?) They don't know us. They don't know how much we love Mica! They don't know how much we worry for him, desire for him all that is wonderful, and have the highest hopes in the world for him. Believe me, I know that I'll never replace his biological mother (nor would I want to; I love her!); but I am his mother nonetheless.
Don't take it personally," you may advise.
I should "quit reading that stuff," you might think.
Then I read/hear more about the stories of some anti-adoption advocates. The pain of relinquishment. The excruciating heartache of not knowing anything about your biological history, your biological family. Not knowing why you were relinquished. Being taunted by children saying that "your real mom gave you up." Not knowing (for sure) that your biological family does love you.
Kevin and I watched the movie Adopted this past week. It was heart wrenching. Please watch it if you know anyone who has been adopted. It tells the story of an adult woman who was born in Asia and adopted by a white family. She is a successful educator. Yet she overcompensates for attention. She is fearful to the core of abandonment (again). As a child, she was taunted by children for her uniqueness; the issue of racism never was broached by her parents. She was alone in her family; even though her family loves her. Alienated unintentionally, but alienated nonetheless.
This woman loves her parents; her parents love her. “Daddy," she says. "I have had to conform to everything in this culture and in our family. It’s time for you to conform. If you truly love me, you will learn about my biological culture. You will advocate for every little Asian girl in this country.” (My paraphrasing.) So she took him to an Asian restaurant and he pretty-much refused to eat food with which he was not familiar. Tortorous. To. Watch.
She asked her mother how she felt about her birth mother. Her mom said she “never thinks about her” and that she “doesn’t care.” That "some people aren’t meant to be mothers." The daughter says “how can you say this about her. I am part of her.” And the mother says “I don’t want to share you.” I want to scream that adoptive parents ALWAYS share their children with birthparents, whether they are present or not, whether they want to or not. An adoptive child NEVER forgets that s/he has dual families. Why should any adoptive parent get the luxury of making it about them and not their child when it comes to relinquishment? Adoption is not about us, the adoptive parents!
My transracial adoption education is rooted in the work of Rhonda Roorda, an adult transracial adopee. She wrote
In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories. I am reminded that adoption stores are as different as we all are. Adoptee experiences are unique. Birthparent experiences are unique. Sibling experiences of adopted children are unique. And, yes, adoptive parent experiences are unique. (But there has to be more that we can "fix" in this system!)
Some adoptive parents exploit children or harm them (purposefully or not). Abuse and neglect seemingly abound. Some adoptive parents don't educate themselves. Some adoptive agencies are only in it for the money. I feel the fire of rage. I think from their perspectives and I am horrified. I hear their stories and I'm sick.
I hear other parents call their adoptive children ABANDONED. I don't know why you would you say that? I wonder if they know that for sure? Isn't that a private part of your child's story (if it is true)? What does that communicate to your child about the one(s) that birthed him/her? And it raises some great questions: What should be private in adoption? And what is public, for all to see?
Let's prevent this from happening. Ever. Again.
Why is there so much misunderstanding and villification of birthmothers/fathers?
Adoption and relinquishment go hand in hand. They are two sides of the same coin. One side beautiful; one side horrific. Adoption is always borne out of pain, loss, lack-of-something very significant.
Being called pimps and traffickers of adoption is painful. I choose to take these interactions as opportunities to learn.
I have many more questions than answers. How can we impact the injustices of international and domestic adoption? Is there any hope? How are we contributing to the injustice? How can we educate (potential) adoptive parents to respect, love, honor and involve birthparents?
I have many more questions than answers. How can we impact the injustices of international and domestic adoption? Is there any hope? How are we contributing to the injustice? How can we educate (potential) adoptive parents to respect, love, honor and involve birthparents?
There is much brokenness in need of justice. In all of this, we, Mica's biological and adoptive families, love, respect, hope, dream and wish for him all that is good, blessed, right and lovely. He deserves no less. No child deserves any less. May he be blessed and always know that he is loved. Sadly enough, no, love is not enough in adoption.
As an educator, this quote hangs in my office. "Act as if every child were your child." -Anonymous.
As a mother, I identify with this Washington Post article A letter from a black mother to her son. "That, my son, is my hope for you. I hope your teachers will love you for who you are and the promise of what you’ll be."
As a mother, I identify with this Washington Post article A letter from a black mother to her son. "That, my son, is my hope for you. I hope your teachers will love you for who you are and the promise of what you’ll be."
Thanks for joining me in this journey. Struggling, analyzing, thinking and learning.
Photo sources:
