Let's Talk (AND LEARN) About It: Transracial Adoption

I met a woman at the mall kids' play area recently.  We started chatting about her grandson and little M, watching fondly as they played.  I told her that we are waiting to adopt; that we're learning a lot.  She said, in a positive voice, "I was adopted!" 

I inquired, "and how was that experience for you?"  She was shocked at that question.  I dare bet she'd never been asked.  She stared at me, speechless.  I quickly said "you don't have to share, if it's too personal."

She paused.  And started.  And stopped.  Then the floodgates opened.  "I was adopted into a white family; they thought I was white," she said.  "Look at this picture of my daughter; does she look like me?"  (I didn't say anything because I didn't want to assume anything.  But after a George Costanza moment, I later wished I'd said something about families being made in a lot of different ways and looking different.  Not that her question required a "Comback," but I often find myself wishing my brain and mouth had a closer connection.)

She went on:  "I was raised in the Netherlands Reformed Church.  The pastor told me when I was very young that I am a bastard and I am going to hell.  So I tried to be good.  But I ran away at fifteen.  My family disowned me because I married a black man."

"I didn't have any idea what my background was.  I joined the army at 18.  A woman I didn't know identified me on a form as white.  Later, a drill seargent told me that people may look on that as trying to pass for white.  So from then on I identified myself as multiracial."

"And now I have my own rainbow family.  I don't need my adoptive family."  I felt a stab of her pain via the look in her eyes.

We chatted a bit more, shook hands, exchanged names, wished eachother well and parted ways, each of us with our sweaty and exhausted kiddo.

It gives me a lot to think about.  I appreciate learning.

I'm livid with that pastor.  I'm angry at her parents for not accepting her, supporting her, preparing her.  It may demonstrate the vast change in transracial adoption in the United States in the last fifty years. 

It's a shame that her family wasn't able to help her.  That the adoption agency didn't help the family.  That she didn't even know her own race.  That she didn't have loving people, of many races/ethnicities to hold her hand, encourage her, teach her to be a multiracial person in a racist society and to love her for who she is.  Through Rhonda Roorda's work, I have learned much from adult transracial adopees.  They say that they welcome their parents boundless love, but transracial adoptees need role models at church, at school, and in their neighborhoods that look like them, take them under their wings, teach them, support them.  Love them too.

I hope to have many more such opportunities to connect, learn, open my mind. 

I'm reminded of this quote that I appreciate; I first encountered it hanging in my friend Brandy's office:

"The world in which you were born is just one model of reality.
Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you; they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." --Wade Davis

We were picked today, but...

A mother made a birth plan for her child today with our family. We almost went home with her little bebe. Even though we did not meet the mom or baby, Kevin and I had a good feeling, and still feel connected to her, even given what little we know of her story. Due to much information I do not (and should not) know, and much less information that I cannot share, I presume the babe went home with another family. Laws. Interpretation.

(Also, thank goodness there wasn't anything wrong with us. Well, nothing very seriously wrong with us, anyway. :))

I'm stunned. Stunned at the capacity for hope in this strong, thudding, human heart of mine.

I really had no idea what a roller coaster ride this would be. The ups and downs are dizzying. Terrifying. So incomprehensibly exciting.

It's kinda about us; how sad and disappointed we are. But it's mostly about them: I pray for this mother and her baby, and the new mother and father. Pray for smooth transition and abundant love. Pray that the baby will know the story of his/her powerful, protective, loving mother.

While watching little M play with dolls today saying emphatically "do not take my baby away!" I couldn't help but think of the other little one's birthmother. Did she feel like screaming that?

Suprisingly, my tears have not yet come. But I feel them in my throat. And in my heart.

Tonight, I stumbed upon hope in this Blog called "Living the Lectionary." And I love this image:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Hope.

Future.

Thank you.

Amen.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance: an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously

We will wait as long as it takes to grow our family through adoption. Yet, sometimes, I wonder how I can wait another minute.

I appreciate that other couples are waiting too; we are not alone. Then a new friend who is also waiting gets "the call." Alone again.

I love my life. We are so blessed. Yet have such a desire for our family to grow. Such love to give. Longing beyond words.

I experience deep joy when I find out other waiting friends have been chosen by a birth mother. I wonder why it wasn't us?

I trust; I feel it in my bones that we will have more children. Then I fear that no birth mother/father will ever choose us.

I trust. I fear.

I don't obsessively check my phone every thirty seconds for "the call." Then I realize I'm disappointed because the call was just from someone wanting to rent one of our apartments.

I embrace this waiting. I live in the moment. I enjoy the sound of the birds, my work schedule, pushing Malia on a swing, watching Kevin plant new seedlings in the garden. Then I feel chest crushing, soul numbing pain, worry and fear.

I smell the lilacs, experience pure joy in blossoming spring. I remember that last year at this time a young life was growing inside me. One that we lost much, much too early.

I longingly anticipate going to the cottage on lake Huron in June. Then I remember last year, while there, we were overjoyed to discover that we were pregnant.

What do we have yet to do but wait?

So, we wait...

What are you waiting for?

We're So "Out There"

Big milestones today:

1. I dropped off 26 copies of our printed profiles, complete with ONLY 982 words and SIX pictures each, to be delivered to the four Adoption Associates offices across Michigan. And we're praying a mother chooses to place her child in our family with ONLY THAT information. Woah.

2. I posted my blog to Twitter via my account @deannarolffs. As my dear friend Amy said: Now it's out there, in "the cloud." And I tweeted: "if only 2500 people give $10" we'll make our goal. Optimistic? Yes, indeed.

I feel excited. At peace. Tired. And kinda exposed. Other adoptive parents tell me that's normal. Phew.

Welcome to Kevin and Deanna’s Adoption Journey

Kevin and I are thankful for a gracious, loving, supportive, community in which to raise children. We are still amazed at the generous support of family, friends, coworkers and church members when we had Malia.

We have made the commitment to grow our family through domestic adoption because there are many children here in the U.S. that need loving homes. Adoption has been on our minds for a long time, even before experiencing multiple miscarriages. We cannot wait to welcome another child (or children) into our family! We have completed our home study for domestic, open adoption and are now waiting for a birth mother to make an adoption plan for her child(ren) with our family. Of course, we will respect completely the level of openness desired by the birth/first mother (and possibly birth father) that chooses our family for her child. I invite you to peruse my previous post describing the amazing organizations with which we are working.

Every step of this adoption has a cost. Adoption costs will likely be over $30,000 and are primarily required upfront. We hope not to borrow the entire amount.
To show what we’re facing financially, below is list of the estimated costs for this adoption. (Figures from Adoption Associates International.)
Application and Home Study: $5,375
Placement Services: $15,810 to $25,810
The total will likely be between $21,185 and $31,185.

Adoption is such a huge, life-altering journey. There is no way we can do it alone and there is no way we want to do it alone. We ask that you will be a part of our story by continually keeping us in your prayers. Pray for wisdom, guidance, and foremost, patience. Pray that God will provide for all things, in His perfect timing.

We also implore you to move to action. If you feel led and if you are able, you can also be a part of the story by investing your finances to help us. Any amount you can help with is much appreciated, whether it is $5 or $500.

If you wish to pay online, please use the PayPal button below. You may also choose to securely donate from your bank account or credit card.

If you wish to send a check or money order, that works too! Please contact us for our mailing address at deannaandkevin@gmail.com . If you send a check, please memo it “Adoption Fund.”

YOU can be a part of this story. Thank you for your help. We appreciate your prayers and support!

Sincerely,
Kevin and Deanna

What We're Reading

Here are a few of the books Kevin and I are currently reading:

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories
by Rita J. Simon (Author), Rhonda M. Roorda (Author)
"This book is the story of every person who has lived in an environment in which he or she didn't quite fit.... Yet, while the stories in the book are universal, they are also deeply personal and incredibly touching. You cannot read this book without being changed." -- Lifelines

Dear Birthmother
by Kathleen Silber (Author), Phyllis Speedlin (Author)
Gently provocative, warm and convincing, this open adoption guide includes actual letters between adoptive parents and birthparents, and between the latter and the children they have.

I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World: A Guide for Parents and Teachers
by Marguerite A. Wright (Author)
"This book is useful for all parents who want their children to grow up with healthy attitudes in a world that uses race to separate human beings. . . . A worthwhile read." — Educational Leadership

With wisdom and compassion, I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla spells out how to educate black and biracial children about race, while preserving their innate resilience and optimism--the birthright of all children.

Launching a Baby's Adoption: Practical Strategies for Parents and Professionals
by Patricia Irwin Johnston (Author)
Launching A Baby's Adoption incorporates anecdotal material solicited from adoptive parents and professionals throughout North America. Launching a Baby's Adoption fills the need of single and coupled parents seeking to adopt for information that can assist them in practical ways to bring a baby into their families and into their lives. Launching A Baby's Adoption is a valuable addition to the parenting collections of community libraries and is "must" reading for anyone seeking adoption as a means to enhancing their family life. -- Midwest Book Review

I find that the concept of open adoption is new to some people, as may be the term transracial adoption.

I love this link on Positive Adoption Language from Adoptive Families, my new, favorite webiste and magazine.

Here are some examples of Positive Adoption Language:

Fundraising? Us?

We are considering starting an adoption fundraising page. Unfortunately, adoption fees may be up to $32,000, and we hope to not borrow that entire amount.

We are NOT sales people. Nor are we marketing-inclined folks. The thought of doing door-to-door knife sales has always paralyzed me with fear.

Reasons TO fundraise online:
1. Our family and friends are spread across the globe. Maybe they can't be here, but they want to help in some way.
2. No one HAS to donate. It's simply an option.
3. We are blessed to be a part of many, generous, adoption-supporting communities of people that want to help.
4. What about interactive fundraisers? Yes, we'd like to do those too, but having Welcome to the Family parties in Grand Rapids, Ontario and Iowa, once the baby has joined our family, sounds more fun.
4. The funds are required BEFORE you bring the baby home. Yowza!
5. Adding up to $32,000 debt is A LOT of moolah!

Reasons NOT to fundraise online:
1. People might wonder why we can't afford it ourselves. (OK, who cares about the haters?)
2. Pride. (Not a valid reason. Pride=evil. :))
3. It could be taken to be very tacky. (Do you think?)
4. I don't know how to create a site with a PayPal donation link. (But I sure could figure it out!) :)

So, what do you think...